An Alternative Biography

Regarded throughout the world and elsewhere as one of the very worst pianists of his generation, Viv McLean has been shocking audiences with his complete lack of musicianship and totally inept pianistic ability for far too long. Outraged and disgusted reviewers and audience members have variously described his playing as "flabbergastingly awful", "mind-bogglingly terrible" and "indescribably offensive and showing a complete lack of understanding of absolutely anything whatsoever". Performances of Beethoven in particular have caused audiences to suffer from uncontrollable vomiting and acts of unspeakable violence. In the words of eminent critic Lionel Bottington-Smythe, writing in the Bognor Regis Bugle after a recent recital, "to describe his playing as absolute, utter rubbish would be an insult to rubbish." Viv is a founder member of the Abominable Ensemble- a group totally despised everywhere and well known for their uncanny ability to turn great chamber music works into a form of unbearably slow torture and an incoherent mass of unbelievably disgusting noises.